Ever experienced the sheer delight of acquiring that coveted garment or accessory, only to realize it's essentially a one-way ticket to the medieval era, complete with a complimentary torture session?
Yes, it's an absolute truth that some fashion items are as comfortable as a cactus pillow. You've got materials that could double as sandpaper, or if you're lucky, synthetic fabrics that transform you into a walking sauna. And let's not forget the shapewear trapping you into an endurance challenge, gasping for every breath. Designers will tell you that fashion is not supposed to be comfortable and that, to look amazing, you must suffer and sitting is anyway overrated (most grand gowns of the kind you see on the Met Gala red carpet do not allow the wearer to sit down…).
But, hold on, there's a new trend these days and it's all about designing clothing that doubles as a punishment device for your nether regions that should instead be celebrated (think about art projects such as Jamie McCartney's The Great Wall of Vulva). Who knew fashion could be this masochistic?
A decade ago, the obsession with pussies began its journey into the spotlight, thanks to the unfortunate arrival of the word "vajazzle." What began as a trend to bedazzle the nether regions with gemstones, rhinestones, and glitter, soon transformed into a hygiene mania instilled by the fear of stinking mainly engrained in women's minds by a patriarchal society that thinks women should smell like violet and roses down there.
Enter the era of internal glitter bombs, jade eggs peddled as detoxifiers, and the infamous vaginal steaming, popularized by none other than the queen of all things vaginal, Gwyneth Paltrow. Yet, it turns out most of these products (and douching too, for that matter) disrupt the delicate balance of vaginal bacteria.
Gynecologists will be the first to tell you that your lady bits don't require the same rigorous cleaning standards as your kitchen floor. Many of these perfumed soaps, gels, and antiseptics wreak indeed havoc on the healthy bacterial balance and pH levels, causing irritation.
But now, there's a new trend that threatens women's health and confidence. Just this September, rapper Doja Cat had a cringe-worthy experience at the Victoria's Secret World Tour 2023 event in New York. She rocked up in a black V-neck slip dress with spaghetti straps that seemed to feature a built-in thong.
In a series of since-deleted Instagram stories, Doja Cat didn't hold back her feelings about the outfit. "It's crazy when you got a dress on and your whole vagina is out the whole night and the straps on the dress pull ur tits all the way down to your knees and all you asked for was a slip dress (...) I'm in my complaining era, my fuckin karen era. A bitch coulda got a UTI but the hole real resilient. The fuck."
And then, she delved into vivid descriptions of her outfit's discomfort. "When I tell u the panty was built into the dress so when i put it on, the shoulder straps pulled the strings up through my cervix and split me like a block of sharp cheddar cheese. A bitch never thought she could get man handled by a piece of fabric. The panty on this contraption took me under the bleachers and ransacked my shit."
In a way Doja Cat managed to find humor in this wardrobe malfunction, but there may be also items produced by luxury fashion houses that may leave you itching for more comfort Miu's embellished pants from the brand's A/W 23-24 runway collection are for example now available at the modest price of €4,200.
There are different options, in pink, pistachio, and gold, with a zip on the back (so you're supposed to put them on like a skirt, and zip them up at the back) or in corduroy and with a very narrow crotch, but in charming autumnal shades, including "ochre" and "camel brown" (impossible not to think about the expression "camel toe" here - who came up with the name for this color of tiny pants?). Of course, you'll need to pair them with a soft polo neck and translucent tights.
Perhaps Miuccia had good intentions (and she has a soft spot for visible pants under skirts - remember Miu Miu's Spring/Summer 1996 collection that featured early examples of the naked dressing trend?), as she wanted to liberate women, but, alas, most of us are not Edie Sedgwick.
Besides, the narrow crotch on the camel ones and the rather large sequins on the heavily embellished designs make you wonder if they may be comfortable at all.
Yet, judging from the models' expressions on Miu Miu's site, comfort isn't essential while wearing these designs. So, sorry Miuccia, we mere mortals may not have the money to buy our vaginas the pants of the season, but we should still rejoice: our pussies will not be on fire, and therefore they may still be able to bite (in fact, why don't we turn around this trend and do a book - "Pussies on Fire" - on all the garments that, throughout the decades caused rashes and wardrobe malfunctions to women's nether regions?).
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